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My Penis is in the Peanut Butter- a Masturbation Story

May 7, 2012

In continuation of National Masturbation Month, I would like to share this with you.

Because I am fascinated by people, I like to peruse Craigslist. Its amazing me -the things people post. I am partial to the Missed Connections (I have found that Spokane, WA has the best Missed Connections both on Craigslist and in their local papers. Strange people live there.) I have a collection of clippings (both literal and copy/pastes) of the best missed connections. The following is from Craigslist and is honored by being in the the Best of Craigslist category. It will make you look at food in a whole new way.

But please, if you are going to have sex with fruit or vegetables or anything else in your refrigerator, please don’t cook it up and serve it to your family. That’s just weird. Buy two cucumbers, one for you and one for the tzatziki sauce.

“No More Sex With Fruit

It all started when I started dating this women whom I was crazy for. I had been in love with her since high school. From time to time she would want me to stick a banana in her before sex to get her in the mood. At first it was awkward. It eventually got to a point where I too was also having sex with fruit as a kind of foreplay. Don’t judge me. I was head over heels for this woman and would do anything to make her happy. I never let her know in the beginning I was a little annoyed (and jealous) that a banana was penetraiting her wet vagina. Then I also never told her in the beginning how odd and freaky I felt the first time I stuck my penis into a orange. Although I did like her licking off the juice afterwards. I also never told her after countless times bring fruit into our bedroom that I started to like it. And that I sometime had sex with fruit while she was away at work. So that time you got upset that the last apple was missing, Jeffery really didn’t come over to visit and ate it. I had sex with it. 

Then one day she left me. That’s when I grew into a deep depression. However that depression did not stop me from continuing to have sex with fruit. I was completely satisfied, even in my depressed state. If you cut the correct size hole into anything, it could be magical. When I ejaculated I of course would throw it away. But there was one time or two the sex was so amazing I kept it around for another go-round. Then came the day when I got over the evil women who had broke my heart. I started to hate everything about her. Which brought me to a point where my I started to doubt weather or not I should continue to enjoy having sex with fruit since she introduced me to it. 

Around that time I was very confused on what I should do next I happened to see the evil wench. I happened to be on a different side of town and needed to run to the store for some fruit rollups (ironic I know) for my neice’s lunch the next day. I strolled into the grocery store like nothing. I was just about to make a comment inside my head how ghetto the store was when I saw her. I had heard rumors that she had moved on and was seeing someone. But this time she was solo. I pretended I did not see her but it was too late. She spotted me. DAMN! I knew I should have gone to another checkout lane. I said hello and he had a forced short conversation. I could not help but notice THE FUCKING FRUIT SHE WAS BUYING! You fucking cunt, like I am not supposed to know what those bananas, apples, oranges were for? 

I was pissed. I decided no more sex with fruit. That was the final straw. Fuck that bitch and her kinky sexual outlets. 

That lasted all but a few days but then I began to get horney. NO! I couldn’t do it. I toss all the fruit out my window. I WAS DONE! I had never paid for sex and wasn;t exactly sure how to go about doing that without getting caught so that was out of the question. I need stimulation! I needed something! Then as a spontanious desperate act I slammed my penis into the peanut butter. The soft sticky goo made me melt inside. What was this utopia of sexual pleasure that I had discovered? I did not know what was more pleasing. The sex with the peanut butter jar or having the dog lick it off afterwards. 

So to my ex…. fuck you. I am over you and over sex with fruit. I have moved on myself. To a new avenue of pleasure. And it doesn’t involve anything you ever taught me. “

 

There you have it, dear readers. Enjoy Masturbation Month (in the Kitchen)!

Source:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1573195432.html

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